caramel drops

i have a fucking problem.

well it's kind of personal. i feel quite stretched, for time. in fact, i am quite
stretched for the dollar too but that is another topic by itself which i believe
the prose i can craft for it can take forever. time. i can never have enough for
it. i am quite a greedy person. i can take sloth, but greed, i abhor. i want to
please far too many people for my own good. is it even possible to be the best
superwoman - to be the best girlfriend, the best female friend, the best daughter,
the best sister, the best colleague? am i even remotely close to being the best
person that i can be? it's not about prioritizing the people around me. how can i
rank them and divide my time among the different people? alas, this is the mentality
that defeats me. judging by how fucked up my life and clock seems to be now, i guess
that this idea has gotten the best of me. the reason why i think everyone is impt
is also the reason why my body and mind feels warped with activity. i don't have
enough time for each person already, where do i find a minute for myself? working
out is a good me-time activity where i just zone out, give myself a moment of silence
and sweat out all the stress. but at the end of day, i feel attacked, from all sides.
well i feel bad. i want to please everyone. i want to give everyone some of my time,
but i am having trouble giving everyone what they want from me. i know i need to
find a solution to this, but however i see this, i am at a loss. there is definitely
somebody bound to be disappointed/ pissed with me. so for what fuck am i racking my
brains for? just continue to let things carry on the way they are and do what i do
best - let nature takes its course till i know i NEED to change something. i guess
that was the main reason why i was so bent on taking a solo vacation when i knew my
time in ibm was coming up. it was a daunting idea at first definitely, and then when
siying recounted her experiences during lunch, the idea of being with just myself
suddenly became every attractive in every aspect. i wouldn't need to have any
obligations with myself! it would be just about pleasing the person that i quite
forgot all along, and that's me. i know this whole prose sound very obnoxious and
in some degree, selfish. i just wish i have a better solution to manage the entire
underground drama i have with myself. i just wish that i can be a more wholesome
being, making everyone around me happy, and if the situation allows it, me happy
with myself. trust me, being an AA and emofuck is the last thing i want to be. it
is not my practice to spill things out like this but when you reach the edge, this
is what it becomes.

ok end of rant.