Monday, September 7


you know, i never realized how much epic a failure i am. it takes more
muscle to frown than smile i know, but it's easier to pull a grumpy
face at times like these believe me. work's heading well, but temping
is never the best career choice. the worse thing is probably me not
knowing the direction i want to go. fitness wise, i'm probably at my
least fit state right now. with my lazy self shelving the yoga pants
and plans(and debt), i know i need to start losing all the jig. i still
don't understand. do i look like i don't eat? i find it a joke that i
was thought to be starving most of the time. stop judging. it will be
an insult if i suffering from an ed and with this appetite size. if the
motive was purely out of concern, then thank you but your approach was
truly hurtful and offending me. and so... i have to go and contribute
to my cellulite bank with the alcohol past weekend. not only did i once
again prove how badly i can hold my liquor, i manage to make a fool out
of myself. although i promised no more beer-boarding action this year,
i still did it again (oops). luckily for me though, the number was sent
to the wrong person instead because all the numbers just blur by themselves
when you just can't think properly. just glad that the besties were not
there to witness this ugly sight. trouble trouble - is all i can bring.
sometimes i ask myself what right i have to ask from them when i have
nothing to offer. i am not the most fun and interesting person to have around.
i have this short fuse inside me, snapping at people when i have less than
8.5 hours of sleep. i go to the same places, and do the same things. it is
probably no wonder that i can stop hearing from certain people that i actually
thought were gonna be good friends for a long time - after some time. after
being the one who initiates almost every other time, it's get tiresome. i'm
giving up - for something that isn't there. perhaps it is just that i don't
have my way with people. not that it is even worth mentioning, but the
march-april episode was beautiful - if not regretful. forgettable? never.
perhaps this is just my retribution. what goes around comes around, ain't
that what they say. still, never in my million thoughts would i expect things
to come to such an end. i lost too much precious things out of it but it was
honestly one of the funnest summers ever. i am not sure what people make
out of me after this episode but what done is done. it was a mistake to even
care others' judgment in the first place so whatever people think now is
not my business anymore. i am too busy to care or alter your perception of me.
being ignorant and indifferent is probably what i have to stop doing in the
family though. being the eldest and not having the respect - that is something
i brought to myself over the years. i have not been the best sister, or the best
daughter. now that the domestic issues have resulted in such an ugly state,
all i can do is cry for some peace which probably is not going to help solve
anything - and is just another example of how poor i am at piecing everything
back together. i am just jaded from all this. is it ever going to end? it starts
at the start of the day before i leave home and then repeats when i return. i
should be doing something i know, and i admit that i am a coward and weak for
not daring to be confrontational. i really wish i can do everything i can to
protect them, but i have no direction at all. i can't even protect the people closest to me.

i had two slices of bread for breakfast, yakun french toast for lunch, and
two slices of french toast and one slice of kaya peanut toast for dinenr.
i have enough carbs to run all these down for the rest of the week. plus
bought some marked-down books and stock up my office snack drawer for the

chin up! time to hit the water after the sun sets tomorrow.

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