Monday, March 23


Using Intimacy to get sex
By John R. Buri, Ph.D

When asked "What do most people do on a date?" Martin (age 10) replied: "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."

I doubt that Martin realized just how accurate he was. There is more deception in dating than in any other social context in our culture.

So the obvious question would have to be something like this: "If deception runs rampant when I am in the dating scene, how can I know whether I am dating a jerk? How can I tell whether this is someone who is going to tilt the nice-to-nasty ratio so that I end up with more nasty than I had bargained for?" I would like to offer the following litmus test. [By the way, next week I will offer a litmus test for discerning a jerkett.]

One day in class a young woman remarked: "I just can't understand why men don't want to get intimate --- why won't you get close?" To this, a man in the back of the room piped up (obviously without thinking a whole lot before speaking): "We do too want to get close, but you women just won't put out." For a moment, I thought a fight was going to break out right there on the spot, but in the end, we had a lively, engaging, and fruitful discussion.

The bottom line is this: Men are inclined to use intimacy to get sex.

The problem is not that we men don't know how to be intimate --- in other words, how to show fondness and affectionate, how to be warm and romantic, how to touch and hug, how to listen to what is going on in your life. We know how --- we have done it many times in the past and we will do it many more times in the future. The problem is that we typically only do these things when there is a pay-off.

We were talking about this phenomenon one day in a different class and a female student had a flash of insight as she suddenly blurted out: "Just last week, my partner and I were having this great conversation and in the middle of it, he said, 'Have we talked enough yet?' I didn't get it at the time, but now I know just what he was saying!" She was angry. (This couple is no longer together.)

So here is the litmus test. Is he capable of touch that is not a part of foreplay? Is he capable of simply holding you without it leading to a pay-off for him? Does he express his affection for you even when he doesn't have his sights set on getting you into bed? Does he spend time listening to you / talking with you even when sex is not going to be an outcome?

This gets somewhat complicated because of the fact that women are inclined to use sex to get intimacy. So we man have grown rather accustomed to this tit-for-tat arrangement. But if you want to know whether he is a prince or whether he is a toad hidden behind a prince's mask, see if he is capable of intimacy --- is he capable of warmth, fondness, touch, affection, romance, sincere give-and-take conversation --- without sex being an expected part of the package? If he is, then there is a pretty good chance that the nice-to-nasty ratio will not unexpectantly be flipped over, adding to the scar tissue on your heart.

Seriously need to get off the net and start on the last memo.
Class is very happening, trust me.
I miss my five seconds on Nori's shoulder.
It's about 13 hours to breakfast but I am thinking of Yakun's toast already.
No more kopi for the next two weeks.
Big fat ass needs more work.
Work/ don't work/ work/ don't work.
Victor's Kitchen Dimsum lunch again!
I want to bake so badly.
Coming Soon, I'm coming soon.
My wonderful sis is 17 already. Nope, you still need anger management.
Work. So I can go HK.
I am very hooked on
命中注定我愛你 OST.

“Look at Al Pacino. Never been married. Happy as a clam.”

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